Pleasing Others to Please Ourselves

So much of what we do is to please others.

We seek the buzz from seeing the pleasure, gratitude or other benefit people have got from our actions, words, or even just presence.

What is this about?

We desire social inclusion – to be a part of the social milieu. To be similar enough to fit in, but different enough to be valued. To be special to others. To feel wanted and needed by others for our special qualities.

So what happens if we don’t get these pleasures?

If instead, we are ignored, criticised, ridiculed, or attacked?

-Do we try harder to please others? 

-Do we withdraw depressively and numb ourselves to others feelings?

-Do we get angry and resentful toward those who have belittled us, or those we think should have come to our aid – or even toward society in general?  Then become negative, pessimistic and destructive?

Does it matter who shows us the positive regard? 

Do we turn to the ‘best available’:

-the highest status?

-the most protective?

-the most attractive?

-the most responsive?

LET GO?

What should we do about things that distress us, but we can’t ‘fix’?

If we keep worrying about these things, they sour our experience of life, don’t they?

We are best off if we let them go. To accept some pain, but release the suffering.

We do this by changing the stories in our heads. Our self-talk.

To realise that thoughts and feelings that appear do so out of habit.

We actually feel an agitation, and our brain, seeking understanding and control, comes up with the best explanation it can –drawing on old learning. 

The thoughts and feelings tend to appear as legitimate and as they appear out of habit, we accept them unchallenged- out of habit.

But we have chosen them, and we can choose to break the old habits. 

We can say, ‘I don’t want to keep this link between agitation and helplessness; between agitation and anger; between agitation and blame; between agitation and resentment’.

We need to step back and observe how the thoughts develop and change. Ask myself ‘I wonder what this feeling is going to do next? I wonder what thought will appear next?’

To realise that things aren’t that important.  That we do have options.

ACTUALIZATION &/OR FULFILLMENT ?

Spiritual evolution is the highest and best aim for most seekers, but is it the ultimate state of being?

Is it the sole pathway to Nirvana?

Are gurus the best guides?

Does spiritual purity take care of all our other needs -as individuals, families, communities and globally?

Physical wellbeing - rest, nutrition, exercise, safety, ... ?

Physical competence - skills to construct, hunt, communicate, ... ?

Mental wellbeing - ability to learn, recall, analyse, understand, predict, imagine, ... ? 

Social wellbeing - being valued, loved, respected, involved, ... ?

It seems to me that spiritual evolution & anchoring is a necessary foundation for successful participation in these other aspects of existence. But by itself, it can not achieve success.  

We have been gifted life on the material plane. We have been gifted hungers for excitment, achievement, control, peacefulness and to be part of a great unity.

Spread your focus. Spread your energy. Spread your wings.

'THE' KEY?

When we are agitated (miserable, angry, resentful, needy, ...) about something in life, what is the key to solution? 

 More important than anything we can do? 

 More important than anything we can say? 

 More important than anything we can think? 

 More important than anything we can feel?

Our greatest sages throughout history agree that it is to focus our being on the energy frequencies of what we want.  Then problems don't need to be solved; they dissolve.

Instead of misery, we want cheerful optimism. Bring it into our here-and-now existence. Feel it; share it; generate it to others. 

Observe the changes in ourselves and others as we do it.

It is akin to driving a car by focussing ahead (where we want to go), rather than keeping our eyes on the rear-view mirror to get away from where we don't want to be.

Your comments?